Why Does This Hurt So Much?
Every funeral I do, I talk about grief.
Not because I have an answer that makes grief go away. I don’t. I have no magic wand to take away grief. I talk about grief because people need language for what they are experiencing.
I share about how grief does not follow five neat stages. It does not move in a straight line. It comes in waves. Some days the water is calm. Some days a wave comes out of nowhere and knocks you flat. And when that happens, the best we can do is ride the wave.
I also talk about why grief hurts so much. Because one of the questions we carry is:
Why does this hurt so much?
The answer is not because you are weak. It is not because you lack faith. It is not because you are failing to “move on.”
Grief hurts because love matters. Grief is a testimonial. It bears witness to how much someone means to us. If someone does not mean much to us, it usually does not hurt much when they are physically gone. We may feel sad. We may feel sympathy. We may recognize the loss. But it does not undo us.
But when someone means a lot to us, it hurts a lot. There is a direct relationship between our pain and how much our loved one means to us. The more we care for someone, the more we hurt when they die.
That pain is not proof that something is wrong with you. It is proof that something important happened. A life touched your life. A relationship shaped you. A person became part of your story. And now that person is physically gone. Of course it hurts. How could it not?
One of the hardest things about grief is that we often treat the pain as the enemy. We think healing means hurting less as quickly as possible. We imagine that if we were doing better, we would not feel so much. But maybe grief is not only pain. Maybe grief is also love after death. Love looking for the person who is no longer physically here. Love reaching for the voice, the chair, the phone call, the laugh, the ordinary rhythm that used to be part of life.
That does not make grief easy. But it may help us understand why it hurts so much. You are not hurting because you are broken. You are hurting because you love. And love does not end just because someone has died. The relationship changes. The physical presence is gone. The daily routines are disrupted. The future you imagined may be shattered. But the love is not erased.
That is why grief can feel so strange. The person is gone, but the love is still here. The chair is empty, but the bond remains. The phone does not ring, but the relationship still matters. Grief lives in that gap. The gap between physical absence and continuing love. That is why it hurts.
And in its own painful way, your grief bears witness to the life of the person you love. It says: They matter. They matter to me. Their life makes a difference…at least to me. Not perfect. Not without flaws. Not without complications. But meaningful because love makes it so.
That is why grief can be so confusing. The pain is real, but it is not only pain. It is also gratitude. Memory. Longing. Anger. Laughter. Regret. Love. All tangled together. That is grief.
So this week, I invite you not to judge yourself for how much it hurts. Do not tell yourself you should be stronger by now. Do not measure your grief by how quickly you can stop crying. Instead, try telling the truth about it:
Grief hurts because love matters.
Not as a way to make the pain go away. As a way to understand what the pain is bearing witness to.
One Step Forward This Week
Think of one thing you miss about the person who died. Not the biggest thing. Not the most profound thing. Just one thing. Their laugh. Their coffee cup. Their hand on your shoulder. The way they answered the phone. The way they irritated you and made you smile anyway. Name it. Then say:
Grief hurts because love matters.
Let your grief bear witness to their life that still matters to you.
Consider This
What does your grief tell you about what this person means to you?
What part of their life still lives in you?
Next Week
Don’t “Should” on Yourself
Why grief gets heavier when we keep telling ourselves how we are supposed to feel.
Until next week, remember:
Grief hurts because love matters.
Peace,
Tom
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